I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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