Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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