My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
