she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm jealous of your bromance
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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