I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
