I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
