Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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