So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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