She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
