hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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