shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
