All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
