So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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