I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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