Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
