zippers are such a cool invention
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
