he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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