Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
