You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
