smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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