dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
