His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
