worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
