On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
