my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
