Cold hands, warm shart.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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