Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
