apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
