apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
