Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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