She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
