Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
