dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
