genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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