what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
