There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants