I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...