Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
