Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.