Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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