areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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