I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
