I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
