This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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