No stitches, just platelets and will power
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
