apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
