I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
