fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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