god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
