so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
