look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
