you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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