wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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