You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
