Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
