I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
