so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
