Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
