Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
