Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
