your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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