just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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