pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
