i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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