so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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