First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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